?

Log in

so these are my Thoughts... [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Jαιямε

[ website | http://www.freeloadmp3.com/ ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

It's Snowing!! [Dec. 15th, 2005|03:51 pm]
Jαιямε
[mood |anxiousanxious]

Dear Ali...

Christmas is approaching faster each year and I always feel so caught up in other things that I never fully realise that Christmas is only a few days away! I went out to the mall shopping today. I bought Ashley's family a little gift each. I know Ashley as well as her family told me not to, but I like seeing ppl smile, especially on Christmas. Giving and not thinking about receiving, it took me a long time to figure that out. I remember Christmas' that were filled with sadness. Not because the people whom I bought gifts for didn't like their gifts, but because I was selfish and didn't get all the expensive things I wanted. Up until recently I've been like that. I took things for granted, when I didn't have a certain someone in my family anymore, I learned that being with family on these special days are what makes the holidays, not the commercial buy buy buy. So spent just over a hundred dollars on Asho's family, quite frankly I think I could have spent more. I had three hundred dollars budgeted for x-mas gifts this year. I still need to buy for my little brother, my older brother, my mother, my father, my step brother, my step mother, my uncle and my grandmother. So much to do, and there seems like such little time left.

Dearest Ali, I think I've mentioned Ashley, but only in code. To be honest, I don't care who knows or what they think about the two of us. We've been dating since December 1st, and these past two weeks have literally been my happiest. I tried countless times with countless girls, just to get them to see me for me.. Just to show them who I am. To be honest.. I'm glad none of them agreed to my proposition. I wouldn't have noticed my angel right from under my nose. I'm not going to rub in my happiness with everyone. I believe in Karma, I believe in fate. Nice guys do finish last, they always will... But now that Ashley's by my side, I don't care if I finish last. I know I'll always finish first in her books and that's all I really care about now.
linkpost comment

He Who Laughs Last, Laughs Best. [Dec. 7th, 2005|12:14 pm]
Jαιямε
[mood |happyhappy]

Dear Ali...

I find that if I like the way a certain type of keyboard feels, I'll be able to write and enjoy myself.
Ok if that wasn't weird enough, this will totally shock you.
I'm happy.
Not just the type happy you get when you get your way.
No, no, no...
I'm happy because there is a certain person in my life who cares about me.
Who cares about me more than I care about myself.
Eight days no smoking.
Hours since I heard her voice.
Excitment to see her in a mere 2 hours.
Plans that are made and never broken; always altered for the better.
Phone calls late at night.
A warm and sweet voice that puts me to sleep at night and wakes me up in the morning.
It's what I wanted.
It's what I needed.
And to finally have something I need in my life only makes things that much better.
I needed it for a long time, no one could give it to me, even if I asked them to.
You never know happiness until you see it right under your nose.
My life is a perfect example of that.
I went out and searched far away lands for something that was here.
Something in my home town.
I hate my home town more than words can possibly muster.
But I'm here more and more.
Why?
Because she makes it possible for me to ignore the outbursts of drama.
She makes it possible for me to smile and be myself.
She makes it possible to help cure my habits.
She gives and gives and gives.
She never asks for anything in return but for me to be happy.
My dearest Ali. I am happy.
And no one, no thing, no anything can take that away from me.
Not now...
Not ever...
Does anyone regret?
I hope they might...
But then again they probably wont...
They never seemed to care when I was sad.
When I was in my moods.
If they cared, they would have done something more than they had.
She did.
And always being there for me is something I need.
I didn't ask for her to do that to me.
She told me that she can.
Me being myself... I was quite skeptical.
But days turned to weeks, turned to months.
My skeptical side is silent.
And now I'm left floating helpless and vulnerable.
But I don't feel them.
She promised me that she'd help stich everything up.
Ali, she kept her promise.
The pain is there, and the scars will always remind me.
However...
These scars will remind me of her stiching them up.
A promise that someone finally meant and kept.
link1 comment|post comment

Part 1 - Enter The World [Nov. 24th, 2005|11:32 am]
Jαιямε
[music |Lonely Day - System of a Down]

Kicked out...
Better yet; failure to kindness.
Scabbed wounds opened,
Fresh maggots clean.

A pleasure to call her own,
A fate he chooses to follow.
She can change that.
He'll change that.

If he gave her his hand,
He would surely let her lead.
Like a child from a movie.
They're waiting for their happy ending.

Frightening to follow...
They know; they'll go unequipped.
So for every smile, every laugh,
Every breath one can take,
They'll float around with no gravity.

One can't see, the other won't read.
One can't write, the other won't read.
She won't wait, he'll never try.
He doesn't need, what he wants.
She doesn't want what she needs.

Grace fall upon them... I guess.
They'll meet again a time later.
Laughing nervously at jokes,
Trying to change the subject of the past.
linkpost comment

Part 2 - Enter Micahel Grimaldi [Nov. 24th, 2005|11:25 am]
Jαιямε
[music |Holy Mountains - System of a Down]

They're all the same.
Clockwise with right handed ideas.
Left brained with the same eyes.
U - Turns shine.

I'm opposite.
Counter clockwise and left handed.
Right brained with different eyes.
But I'm not ignorant.

Because these people are afraid;
"Don't make mistakes!!" they yell.
Fuck, is it really that simple?
What can they follow?
What will they follow?
Too careful not to break the ice.

I'm not afraid; I'm terrified
"Let's make mistakes" I replied.
I've broken that ice and felt the harshness of temperature.
Only when you're completely submerged
Can you really think.

You can't get out of the water alone.
I've figured out how to try.
Stop looking for the hand from the hole.
I figured out it will never come.

To start from the beginning; they would.
To start from the end; I have.
Give up, they will,
Understand, you won't.
Live? We can't.. But I will.
I know something you don't.
linkpost comment

Part 3 - The Dreams [Nov. 24th, 2005|11:19 am]
Jαιямε
[music |Hypnotize - System of a Down]

It's very cold,
Can you feel it?
Of course you can't,
But then again you could...
I wouldn't know though.
I haven't the strength to ask you.

I have this reoccurring dream.
Every night we dance together.
I'll lead, but you take control sometimes.
I'd hand you a rose and push the petals across your face.
You always smiled.
You always hugged me back.

At that moment, I felt complete.
I wouldn't need food to keep me alive,
Clothes wouldn't keep me as warm.
Water won't quench me,
All I need is you.

Your smile keeps me warm,
Your voice feeds me,
Your laugh quenches my thirst,
Your soul keeps me alive.

So when you hate yourself;
You feel like you cannot go on.
"Stop!!!" Please don't say that.
I need you to love yourself.
The way I truly care.
The way you need to move on,
keeps me from dying.
linkpost comment

Part 4 - The Nightmare Begins [Nov. 24th, 2005|11:13 am]
Jαιямε
[music |Kill Rock and Roll - System of a Down]

But there is something I haven't shared.
My dream always changes at the end.
You throw away the rose and push me away.
I see the back of her head,
Cannot call her, choking on her dust.

She ran back again.
Left me again.
I'm so fucking stupid to realize.
It was only a dream, we can never live that.
I've tried.
But are you afraid?
Me not being me?
You not being You?
What can I change?

You're not accustomed,
You long for change.
Tired or confused
Sleepy or exhausted.
No one's home and I'm all by myself.
Do you know how badly...

You said it yourself.
"Interesting... Very!"
But words can't be heard
If you're not there to hear them.
Actions can't be shown,
If you're not there to see them.
linkpost comment

Part 5 - The Fall Without A Rise [Nov. 24th, 2005|11:06 am]
Jαιямε
[music |Attack - System of a Down]

My best friend is my shadow.
I'm not alone when its around me.
But it cannot talk back to me when I need it the most.

You're not the one I need anymore.
How could you be?
You didn't see me in that ditch.
You didn't see them clawing at my skin.
Do you feel me when he fucks you?
Gripping your pillow and clenching your teeth.

...Stupid, Pointless, Waste...
Show me the highlights,
Tape them for me,
Video tape my demise,
Take a picture of my corpse.

Don't yell at the vultures eating my flesh,
They've been there for me when you were not.
Don't wipe away the maggots from my eyes.
They'll always remember the colour.
Don't dig me up to hold me,
The earth hugs me better than you have.

I'm better now without you.
Look at where I am.
You spit on me when I tried.
...Dumb, Irrelevant, Garbage...
I used to think how sad I'd be without you.
I have never been so happy now.
And look where I am.
Remember that you did this to me.
linkpost comment

Part 6 - Differences of Bliss [Nov. 24th, 2005|10:52 am]
Jαιямε
[music |This Modern Love - Bloc Party]

Thought it was over......
Didn't you?
I've come to realize that I,
Michael Grimaldi,
Possess traits that no human does.

I can feel without being asked to;
I can read more into things.
Words are never more than they are.
That's not rational thinking is it?

Understanding isn't as impossible as it seems.
I can let you, I will let you.
Even all your screams; the loudest ones
Will not be heard, cannot be heard.

They don't hear you, why should they?
If they cared, they would never let you know.
If they gave a damn at all, they wouldn't...
How can maniacal monsters such as them love you?

No one can. And it's not just because you're not them.
That's only partial reasoning.
Maybe there is a reason for your unlikely ness.
This one reason, my 'super-powers' cannot explain.
I'm lazy when it comes to this.
You're an unlikely being, one I admire most of all.
I don't want to find out that you're another one of them.
One of those damn ignorant fools who can't learn.
You're not smart... You're intelligent.
Show me how intelligent you are.
linkpost comment

Part 7 - The Realization [Nov. 24th, 2005|10:29 am]
Jαιямε
[music |Helicopter - Bloc Party]

The Tranquil light filled the room.
What once felt cold was warm.
Intertwining of fingers
As a radiant beam of light filled,
What empty space was left.

Interlocking arms prevailed.
A bodily bond that sex cannot give.
She cried...
His handkerchief was covered in salt.
Smiling, he stroked her cheek.

All is lost when it's over.
How can you tell that it is over.
When Catch 22's prevail over all,
When you're left with all wrongs.
When it's wrong,
It's over.

**Pause**

When it's wrong
My love, my life,
It's over.
When it's wrong and feels great,
My dear, my everything,
It's over -

End.
linkpost comment

They Just Seem To Cause More Miserable Weather... [Nov. 16th, 2005|10:57 pm]
Jαιямε
[mood |jealousmiserable]

Dear Ali...

I'm not here to rant... I'm not here to rave...
I'm here to ask you for advice.
Even if I don't actually ask...
Can you believe the things that happen to me?
It's like, making that theatrical decision..
What person do I save from falling off the cliff?
I really wish I could just fall with them.

I used to wish that I was in.
Not incognito anymore.
They'll all laugh and yell:
"I told you so.."

((..Or my life could be this way..))

I used to try and understand.
Finally I did when it was too late.
I could be tied by a chain.
But I'd never bite the hand that feeds.

I can't imagine the next few weeks.
The next few seconds will feel like years.
This mixture of cold and warm fronts,
They just seem to cause more miserable weather.

I got 100% on the paper I wrote with Hanna. Everyone else in the group couldn't write a research paper. It was the first paper I ever got perfect on. I guess I'm a good writer. My teacher asked to keep the paper. I always wished the teacher would pick up my work and show how good it was to the class. This is where it happened. At a place where no one knows my name, they know me by face.

Darrel Nunn is a bastard.
Paul Savage is a bastard.
Adam Norman is a bastard.
David Gouter is a bastard.

I Love Janet Loveday.
I Love Shannon Watson.

((**sighs**)). . ........

Ali, I'm not giving up. I'm trying here.
As hard as it seems, it'll have to be done.
There are so many things on my mind. So many things.
I can't be two people when I want to be...
I can't make two people happy.
How do I know one doesn't want me to make them happy??

I'm a hopless romantic. You know...
The kind that become poets.
The ones that can write so well about emotions
Even if they haven't felt them.
They only talk and dream about them.

Yeah one of those.
linkpost comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]